Reader Beware
by ThatGirl
Summary: Note the title. A dark fic involving angst and a certain little diary.


"Reader Beware" is true to its title. It consists of dark thoughts that I know a five-year-old wouldn't have. But, if we can resurrect the RowdyRuffs time and time again, I think I can do this. Once again this is pretty dark and if you like the show's feel of it, do not read this. 

For those of you who are still here…enjoy!

PS: This is my first PPG fic…be merciful.

"I was about half way into the freezing deep water, and I hadn't figured out why just yet. My face was stained with the rivulets of tears down my cheeks, the only warmth I could feel at the moment. The ice cold water was rushing over my chest I took in a deep breath and then let it out. What was the point of holding my breath if I was only trying to drown myself anyway? I took a step deeper the water freezing my cheeks. I let my tears mix with the stream knowing that everyone would find my bruised and blue-faced body at the river's end. I only felt sorry that little kids might see my dead body and be freaked out forever. I closed my eyes, ready to take those last few remaining steps from here to...._there_. I let some more tears flow. _Goodbye_ I thought solemnly. 

Suddenly a voice rose me from my thoughts. My name was faintly being called. The voice was getting closer. Tonight would just not be the night. I quickly rushed out of the freezing water, my legs feeling like they were made out of solid ice. I made it to shore quickly. I rubbed my legs trying to get the feeling back in them as the voice got louder. Then there were two. _Both of them are looking for me? _I questioned to myself. I looked down at my nightie. It was soaking wet with cold water dripping off it's lace hem. I couldn't let them know what I was trying to do. They couldn't know. I froze for a second, unsure of what to do. I then took some dirt from the riverbed and smeared it over my face, then over my arms and nightie. I rubbed the disgusting muck through my hair too, making sure that I was covered in the grime. _There._ I thought _Just in time._ I saw my sister's blue streak pass overhead. That Bubbles, she's so slow sometimes. She looped around and called for my sister. 

"Here she is, Blossom! I found her." Bubbles landed beside me, her blonde hair still up in her pigtails, she was in her regular dress and must've changed from her nightie when I ran away. She was hugging Octi, her toy Octopus, when she spoke, "Buttercup, are you okay?" Bubbles asked, her big blue eyes filled with concern. I first nodded my head slowly, not wanting to let her know, but then I realized that my reaction was very out of character for me. So, I put on an angry expression and crossed my arms. 

"Of course I'm okay, Bubble-Brain." I frowned, the water dripping off me, masking my tears. I shivered slightly. I really hadn't expected the river to be that cold. Suddenly, Blossom landed on the bank, she looked really angry. 

"Buttercup!" She yelled, arms crossed. "Why'd you run off like that? The Professor was worried sick and--ewwww! What the heck have you been doing?" Blossom looked at my dirt-covered dress in disgust. 

"I've been fighting monsters." I said with a tone of annoyance in my voice. Blossom looked over my soiled dress and body. She didn't seem to doubt me. After all...what would a Powerpuff be doing out here in the middle of the night anyway. Especially the "toughest fighter". "I'm sssss...I'm sss...oooorrrr.....I'm sorry." I managed to get out quickly. "I didn't mean to scare you and the Professor." 

"Well...okay. Let's just go home." Blossom looked a little suspicious. She took off first, followed by a very worried-looking Bubbles, and then me. Very slowly. I guess it'd have to wait till another night. I wondered if my fib had really fooled them. I did hear Blossom mutter something about not getting any calls about a monster. 

We got home in silence, keeping mostly to our own thoughts. Bubbles was clutching Octi and Blossom seemed concentrated on something else. She's always in deep thought. The wind was frigid and freezing my already cold body. My soaking wet and dirty nightie was adding to the cold as I shivered home. We flew through the windows when Blossom stopped me. 

"Oh no you don't, Buttercup!" She said holding her hand up to me. "The Professor will have a fit if you land on the carpet!" Blossom pointed out my still dripping clothes. I frowned and clenched my fists. 

"Fine then!" I flew toward the bathroom in a green streak of light. I changed out of the soaking wet nightie and threw it to the bathroom floor. I sighed and then found my eyes welling up with more tears. I knew the girls would hear me crying with their super-hearing. I quickly turned on the bathtub's faucet, I decided to take a bath too. I sniffed loudly and let the tears flow again, I still felt cold. I rubbed my arms slowly and saw some of Bubble's Bubble Bath stuff. I smiled a little and put some in. _Why not?_ I thought. _Not like anyone will know. _I dumped in the liquid and the bathtub was suddenly filled with soapy pink bubbles. 

I climbed in slowly. I usually hate baths, but the running water hid the sound of my tears, and I was really cold. The water was hot against my freezing flesh. I removed my foot quickly at first. Then I just climbed in and enjoyed the relaxing water washing over me warming my shivering form. Maybe baths weren't so bad after all. Not that I was going to tell anyone I thought so. 

I slid down slowly and got a sudden flashback to what had drove me to run away. 

It was just a typical evening, nothing out of the ordinary. "Puppet Pals" had just finished although I wasn't really watching it. Things weren't going very well. Ms. Keane had yelled at me for throwing spitballs and made me stand in the corner for a long time. And when this kid accidentally spilt paint on my dress, I punched him in the face and gave him a black eyes the size of a softball. Ms. Keane had to call the Professor for that one. I know I shouldn't have punched him, but I've been so uppity and upset lately, I had some…extra angry and upset feelings. Blossom yelled at me too, even Bubbles told me I was mean. Not that those comments really got to me. I get it from those two all the time. But I knew the Professor would be mad. When we got home he yelled at me. I mean really yelled at me. He said that it was the worst thing I'd done so far and lectured me for a long time. I can safety say I felt really...depressed. 

I sighed again, taking the soap and washing my legs and arms, the muck turning the heated bubbly water into a murky brown. That wasn't the worst part. Like I started, "Puppet Pals" had ended and we were all changed and ready for bed. Bubbles was annoying me by playing with her Octi and just...being Bubbles. I suppose I was a little jealous...just a little of her innocence and how she's always so carefree. I over reacted and grabbed her Octi. She started to cry and Blossom yelled at me saying that I couldn't be good for five minutes. I began to argue with her and Bubbles took back her Octi and stuck her tongue out at me. So...I whacked her. Harder than I meant to. I _punched_ her. I punched BUBBLES. She flew into, and almost through, the opposite wall. Blossom gasped and so did I. The Professor came in and saw Bubbles in the wall and she was bawling. I began to apologize when the Professor took me aside, to his room. Probably so the girls wouldn't hear him yelling at me. I can remember his words so clearly. 

"That's IT, Buttercup!" He yelled. "I've had it up to HERE with you and your violence! I can't have a minute of peace because of YOU. You arguing with Blossom or hurting Bubbles! Doesn't Bubbles get enough pain from crime fighting for you to induce it at home? You've been nothing but a pain!" He was so mad, no, he was irate, the words he said next would scar me forever, "I wish I'd never created you!" Then he put his hand over his mouth. He'd slipped up. I just stared up at him, hurt. Tears formed in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. "Buttercup I...I didn't mean..." The Professor began but I let out a loud wail and flew out of his window crying. Just remembering his words made more tears run down my cheeks. 

"Buttercup?" The Professor knocked on the door loudly, destroying my slight flashback and bringing back more painful memories. 

"GO AWAY!" I screeched and threw a shampoo bottle harshly at the door. That was a mistake. It crashed through the door and into the wall behind the Professor. I put my hands to my mouth at first. _Whoops_. _ I didn't mean to throw it **that** hard. And I could've hurt the Professor. _I looked to see the Professor seeming worried. 

"Buttercup...can I please come in?" He asked calmly. I looked down and nodded my head slowly, knowing he could see me through the hole I just made in the door. The Professor came in and frowned. "I'm sorry, Buttercup." He said as he approached me. 

"Save your breath." I grimaced menacingly. Anger always hides pain, fear, and sorrow. I learned this a long time ago. I rubbed the soap over my shoulders as I spoke. "I know you messed up making me. I knew for awhile. I was just...waiting for you to tell me." I muttered, choking back the tears again. 

"No no, Buttercup! It's not like that at all!" The Professor knelt down next to the bathtub. "It's just that things have not been going to well." He sighed offering his hand to help me bathe. I reluctantly handed him the soap. "You know it's been a while since my last invention. I've just run into kind of a 'writer's block' of sorts. I just come so close to a breakthrough and then it just--" 

"Ow ow! You're scrubbing too hard!" I cried as he pressed the soap in my back while he spoke so passionately. 

"Oh! Oh I'm sorry." He lightened up a little. "Anyway, lately I've been coming so close. And because of that, I've been neglecting a lot of very important things, including you girls." The Professor took the shampoo and put some in his hands. "And because I've been neglecting you I've been only concerning myself with my projects. I've been getting so frustrated and agitated that--" 

"That's not the stinging stuff, is it?" I asked dodging his hands as he tried to wash my hair. 

"The what?" 

"The stinging stuff. You know, if it gets in your eyes it hurts...a lot." I pointed to his shampoo-covered palms. He looked at them for a minute, a little confused, then he smiled and chuckled. 

"No, no. I threw that out when Bubbles told me it hurt." He began to rub the shampoo through my black hair, as I closed my eyes anyway. "Where was I?" 

"You were getting annoyed and angry because of your 'projects'." I reminded him as some of the foamy formula dripped over my face. 

"Oh yes. I was so frustrated that I began to take some of my pent up anger out on you girls." 

"But mostly me." I commented as he poured some water on my head washing the shampoo out. 

"Buttercup," He sighed, "I want you to know I love you and your sisters very much. But when you were being bad at school and Ms. Keane called...well I had to be taken away from my studies and that made me a little upset. Plus what you did to that little boy could've extremely hurt him. Sometimes you girls don't realize your own strength. Then when you...punched Bubbles into the wall...well not only did the loud crash knock over a lot of vital chemicals in my lab, but you also hurt your sister. I was very angry. But I over reacted, I never meant what I said." The Professor finished dumping another bought of water on my head. I brushed the wet hair out of my eyes. 

"I didn't mean to." I said softly. "I was just mad. I didn't mean to hurt her...or the kid at school...or you, Professor." I frowned brushing my hair back, trying to return it to its usual style to no avail. The Professor gave me a warm smile. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you either Buttercup, sometimes we end up saying or doing things we don't mean. And although we can't do anything about what we did, we can apologize and try to live up to the consequences to our best ability." The Professor held out a green towel and wrapped it around me. It was soft and warm and I felt a little better. The Professor hugged me close to him, even though I was dripping water all over his perfectly white lab coat. "You girls are the world to me, I should never let my work get in the way of my love for you three. I'm so sorry Buttercup. Can you forgive me?" 

I paused. The Professor is the coolest grown-up I know. He kind of understands each of our separate personalities. And he apologized. He...he did say he was sorry and that he didn't mean what he said. But then why...why did I still feel angry and sad? It just felt like all his words were prepared, like a script. I couldn't help but wonder if he meant any of it at all. But, he was trying, and his hug was so warm. For once it was just him and me. No one else. All of his attention was focused on me. Just...on...me. And was I just going to stay there in his arms, being held so tightly, and tell him I couldn't forgive him? I looked up into his pleading black eyes and forced a smile. 

"Of course, Professor. Heh." I put on a smug expression. "I knew you didn't mean it all along!" The Professor laughed and hugged me tighter. I couldn't help feel a bit like a fraud though. I couldn't help but question myself...was I really not able to forgive him? Or was it that I couldn't forgive myself? He broke me from my thoughts. 

"Buttercup...what exactly were you doing out there?" He inquired holding my filthy nightie. I panicked for a second but calmed down quickly. He didn't know what I was doing so I masked my feelings again and remained smug. 

"I was fighting monsters. It just got a little messy." I smiled. The Professor grinned. 

"That's ma girl! At least this time you _wanted_ to take a bath." He chuckled. I forced my smile. 

"Yeah...I'm tired Professor so...'night." I floated back to the room holding onto the overly large towel. _How could I be so dumb? I worried the Professor and hurt two innocent people._ I shook my head as I entered the room. Suddenly I let out a loud sneeze. _Guess I shouldn't have gone in that stream. I knew I should have just jumped off a building or stuck one of Mojo's lasers to my head. Just another impulsive and stupid move._ I opened the door and Bubbles and Blossom were getting ready for bed. 

Blossom, being her usual vain self, was brushing her orange hair in front of the mirror. Brushing each part as if a tangle my pop up any second. She was staring intently at the girl in the mirror. I frowned. Little Miss Perfect. But she's so bossy and vain. Then again...who can really blame her? She's the Professor's favorite, Ms. Keane loves her (but that's probably because Blossom's such a suck up), and she's the leader. Well nuts to her! 

Bubbles was hugging Octi and coloring at the small table. The day Bubbles doesn't use her crayons is the first sign of the Apocalypse. She seemed okay. I guess I must've not hurt her that bad...if at all. She was humming that "Love Makes the World go 'Round" song, coloring away without a care in the world. Bubbles always seemed so happy, I wondered if she ever thinks like I do. About death and the meaning of life...if it even has meaning. No. No, she lives in a world of bright colors, ponies, and all the candy she can eat. And the only problem in her fantasy world...is me. 

I sighed, the Professor was right. I never should've been created. With two perfect sisters, what would the Professor ever want with me? Where in that perfect-little-girl-formula did I come in? What flaw was in that big black pot that could be so corrupt for me to be created? 

"Well I'm glad that's over with." Blossom said staring into the mirror. There was something in her eyes as she stared into the mirror. Wait...I know what it was. It was disgust. She must've been looking through the mirror at me. I frowned clutching the towel. 

"Are you okay, Buttercup?" Bubbles asked concerned, "I drew a picture for you." Bubbles held up a crayoned picture to my face. The picture was a very shaky drawing of myself, crying. And then there was a crayoned Bubbles smiling, trying to cheer up the saddened Buttercup. My eyes went wide for a second. _ Did...did Bubbles know? She couldn't of! _ I looked away frowning harsher. Bubbles persisted me further; "Do you like it?" I was about to snap at her but...that night had already been hard on her. I beat her up and make her look for me then I bad-mouth her gift? 

"Ye....yeah, Bubbles. Can we get to bed now?" I asked heading for the closet to change into a spare nightie. 

"Come on." I heard Blossom say as I changed. "We already stayed up too late _and _we have school tomorrow!" She lectured. 

"Blah, blah, blah." I muttered as I changed. 

"I have super-hearing you know." 

Bubbles giggled. I hurried up still wondering if Bubbles had seen me in the river, or if it was some lucky guess on how I'd been feeling. My legs were still feeling sore and I felt a little light-headed as I flew out swiftly and climbed into the right side of the bed, tucking myself in. I looked to see Blossom's annoyed face staring at me. 

"What?" I questioned, snapping at her. She grimaced at me with that look she gets when she's facing a bad guy who just tripped an old lady or ran over a puppy or something. 

"You got some nerve, Buttercup." She growled at me. 

"What?!" I cried, indignantly. 

"You whack poor Bubbles into the wall," Blossom indicated the large hole in the wall at the far end, "then you made us all practically worried to death over you, you track mud on the floor," She pointed to the floor where, despite my efforts, there were dirty stains in the once white carpet, "and then you still take that attitude with me!" 

I glowered angrily, my eyes burning. 

"You know Blossom, I'm not even going to say anything. Because you have no idea." I said, my tone dripping with acid. I turned over and pulled my green section of the blanket up. I didn't even want to pretend that I was pissed. I had enough "pretending" for one night. 

Blossom didn't say anything. I'm not even sure of her reaction. I wanted to just cuddle with my blankie, for a few minutes. But I didn't want to seem insecure. I growled, I hate this sometimes. 

"Girls," The Professor walked in, smiling that reassuring smile he always seems to have. He came in and I felt him put my sisters into bed. I pulled the covers tighter; I didn't want him to see my face. "I want you three to have a good night's sleep. We've had quite a busy night." He stated simply. I gave off another little sneeze and I pulled the covers tighter. 

"Quit hogging the blanket, Buttercup." Bubbles (who was in the middle), pulled the covers back. 

"Now, now girls." The Professor chuckled trying to make sure we each had equal sections. "Goodnight Blossom." He kissed her lightly on the top of the head. 

"G'Night Professor." Blossom said quickly. I think she was still upset with me. I don't think I cared. 

"Goodnight Bubbles." The Professor gave her a loving kiss on her head too. She giggled. 

"Goooooooodnight Professsor!" She smiled widely, seemingly unscathed by the earlier events of that night. 

"Goodnight Buttercup." The Professor said to me. He leaned over and gave a soft, emotionless kiss on the top of my head. I shifted slightly.

"'Night" I said tersely, yawning slightly. I curled up as he closed the door, leaving it slightly open for Bubbles. The hall light bathed Bubbles as she clutched her Octi, whispering to the inanimate object a "goodnight" as if it would talk to her. 

I really don't know how long I stayed awake. I tried to go to sleep. I _felt _tired. I had just been trying to...never mind. I should've been fast asleep. But my mind wouldn't let me doze off. I stared at the ceiling; my mind making invisible pictures with the marks on the ceiling from the multiple repairs the Professor always has to make. I saw monsters, and a punching bag, I even saw my sisters. If I connected the two marks at the far end and the one near the center, and tilted my head and squinted, I could see Blossom's bow. 

I sat up, and noticed that the Professor had just turned out the hall light. When it's late at night the Professor turns off the hall light. To probably "save electricity" or something. I looked over toward the other end of the bed. Blossom was lying on the far left cuddled up, breathing sighs just a bit. I frowned. I just couldn't get to sleep. And I couldn't tell what time it was. Blossom's big head was in the way.

I climbed out of bed slowly making sure not to wake my sisters. But, truthfully, they sleep like rocks. Once, I tied Bubbles pigtails together during the night. When she woke up I explained that the evil Night Elves did it and they'd keep doing it unless she got rid of her pigtails. It was hysterical when she took them out and had explained to everyone why. Yeah, it _was_ funny until the Professor caught wind of it and I got punished. 

I floated downstairs for a glass of milk or...something. The house was pitch black; the only light was from the moon casting shadows on the floor. Bubbles would've been scared out of her mind. I was about to head into the kitchen when I noticed that the lab door was open. I tilted my head to the side and grinned. _Maybe a little late-night training might help_ I thought to myself, _I sure could use it. _My stomach felt a little queasy, but I figured that would go away when I began to really train.

I quickly headed down to the lab and flipped on the light switch. There were a few wires hanging out of the control panel and a piece of metal had been taken out of the main frame. I floated and looked closely at the dismantled training machine. I saw some of the Professor's tools by the machine. _The Professor must be upgrading the lab. _I thought to my self. I turned the knob and found it easily surpassed the 11th level. _I guess the Professor added a few levels. Might as well try them out. _

I set the level to 12. But, my curiosity got the better of me. I turned the knob further, watching the numbers fly with every click. The knob wouldn't twist any further when I reached the 20th level. For some reason my hand rested on the knob. I stared down at it lifelessly. _I **could **turn it back to 12. _I considered gently tapping the knob's surface. _But I **do** need to train harder. I'm not...good enough._ Yeah, I know it sounds dumb, okay REALLY dumb, but this all made perfect sense at one in the morning...at least...I think it was at one.

I went inside the white tiled room looking around. I landed softly on the ground preparing myself. My head began to pound a bit harder and I let out another sneeze. I rubbed where my nose should've been. I shrugged it off.

"Mission, BEGIN!" I cried and the perfectly white tiles faded and meshed around me to...the City of Townsville. But everything was in flaming wreckage. Cars overturned, people screaming and running everywhere. Complete and utter pandemonium. The ground was broken and cracked below my feet and the sky was black. Terrified screams echoed in the background and flames shot out of the disintegrating buildings. Then...the _real_ chaos began.

Bombs began dropping from the sky like black rain. I flew up quickly to deflect them when I was smacked down into the ground. A 100ft tall monster towered over me waving its claw-like hands around, swiping at me. Its eyes were like a fly's and its body was more snakish with four large claw-like hands. Climbing out of my crater I saw it swing and smash down a building. 

"Oh CRAP!" I cried and another monster popped up from the ground with a large gaping hole for a mouth and many, many sharp teeth (think, sand-beast from Star Wars). The first monster snapped a claw at me and grabbed me in its "hands", squeezing tighter. I screamed in pain, as it's sharp blade cut through my nightie. _The Professor made these levels a little more realistic. _I thought and it knocked me into one of the remaining buildings. 

I heard more people screaming about lava and spaceships and looting and rioting and more bombs and a fish beast...I got up, something warm running down my arm. I shook my head and stared down at my arm. Blood. I opened my eyes in surprise. _Blood!?--_I didn't get to finish my thought as the faint TSSSEW of lasers firing was heard in the background as well as the ground shaking below me and a big, dark, foot came down toward me. It was one heckuva night.

"MISSION FAILED." The machine finally said. I practically collapsed to the floor. I was breathing hard; hot sticky rivulets of blood ran from my open wounds, turning parts of my nightie into a weird redish-black. I don't think I cared. My breath came out in gasps and my nightie was shredded to only a few pieces clinging to my sweat-soaked skin. I coughed desperately and my whole body shook. Somehow...some magical way, I managed to make it through the alien attack, the 20 monsters, the bombing, the rioting, the insane robots, the twister, the fighter planes, the rocket, the tidal wave, the army of giant multiplying bees, the volcano, the wall of ice, the 34 ultra-intelligent highly skilled super-powered ninjas, and a robbery. The last thing was a stupid robbery. And the stupid, lousy, two-bit crook got me. 

I practically crawled out of the training room. I managed (also in some miraculous way) to make it to the bathroom. I took off the last shreds of my nightie and my undershirt and underwear. Everything was soaked in sweat, blood, or guts. I threw it all out quickly and took a look in the mirror. I looked like hell..er...heck. Like I fell into a shredder and then the garbage disposal and then kicked around for hours by an alien attack and 20 monster and...I just sneered at myself. 

I cleaned up and placed some bandages on my wounds. I almost fell asleep as I washed my cuts. My whole body was still shaking and my stomach felt like it would come out of my mouth. I felt a sudden surge from my stomach and raced to the toilet. I threw up heavily; almost crying it hurt so much. I wiped my mouth clean, my head pounding and heart still racing as I clung to the porcelain for dear life. _Maybe...maybe this wasn't such a bright idea._

The rest is a bit of a blur. I just remember climbing into a very, very soft bed, and curling up to sleep. 

Then, the alarm went off.

"Rise and shine girls!" Blossom's overly cheery voice rung in my ears like someone smacked a gong up against the side of my head. "'Early to bed early to rise' you know." She sang chipperly. I would've clawed off my own ears, if I had any claws...or ears...you know, I was really gypped! Then....Bubbles woke up.

"GGGOOOOOOODDD MORNING!" Bubbles squeaked IN MY EAR! I would've clawed off her face, but once again, no claws. I felt the weight shift as she leapt out of bed. "Race you to the bathroom!" She squeaked again. 

"You're on!" Blossom cheered. They zwipped off leaving me under the covers. I took the opportunity and fell asleep to the slamming of the bathroom door and the some shouting. I drifted into a dreamy blackness.

But, what seemed like seconds later...

"BUTTERCUP! Get up!" That annoying voice cried into my ear. My eyes popped open. "You should've been up 45 minutes ago!" Blossom cried. I groggily raised my tired eyes to meet her angered pink irises. I uttered a weak:

"Carry me." 

"WHAT?"

"I mean...I'm up." I slid out of bed and on to the floor. Blossom glared down at me looking perfect, as usual, except for a small redish stain on her dress, but otherwise the perfect red hair and the perfectly straightened clothes and perky red bow. 

"Hurry up!" Blossom interrupted my thoughts. I ignored her and trudged downstairs. I was cold and held my arms but found I was also sweating. That wasn't a good sign. Bubbles and the Professor were sitting down eating a pancake breakfast when I dragged my feet in. I placed my head down on the table when I sat. Bubbles smiled and greeted me with a flapjack filled yap.

"'Mornin Buttercup, how are yoooouuuueek!" She gave out a shrill cry. "You look awful! You look like you just, just...just fought off an alien attack, and then like 20 monsters and then then got all these these BOMBS dropped on you and then then--"

"Don't be silly, Bubbles." Blossom interjected, just coming down from upstairs. She then turned toward me, "But she's right. You look like you've been hit by a truck...repeatedly." I growled toward them.

"Can it, Red." I muttered. My stomach surged again just looking at the pancakes but I choked it back down. The Professor looked at me with a cocked eyebrow.

"Are you okay, Sweetheart?" He asked concerned. I looked up weakly.

"I'm okay..." I answered and tried to sit up straighter, but my head hurt more. Blossom made a weird face at me. 

"Oh no. Not this." She rolled her eyes and turned that judgmental stare of hers toward the Professor. "She's probably just faking! You remember when she pulled that stunt two Wednesday's ago." Blossom pointed out. _ Oh yeah _I remembered. I had been faking that time. But that was different. I felt that familiar lurch again and I choked it back down putting a hand on my tormented stomach. "Don't try to pull that old trick on me, Buttercup!" Blossom glared. "Nice try but I can tell when someone's faking and when they're REALLY sick." Blossom stood up ready to go. "Come on girls, we have to get to school, all THREE of us." She narrowed her eyes at me. I had four words for myself: Boy who cried wolf.

The three of us raced out the door in a flash of pink, blue, and green. The Professor had a worried look on his face, but I was sure I'd be fine. 

I trailed back behind the girls, feeling a little light-headed and my stomach felt weird. I was tired and weak. My arms and legs ached and my back hurt from a piece of rubble that fell on me from before. There were still deep marks from last night's training escapades on my arms and legs. I felt strangely hot but my teeth were chattering. Maybe I wasn't so "fine".

We arrived at Pokey Oaks in no time. Blossom greeted the teacher chipperly. Bubbles I think gave another greeting but I was beginning to feel dizzy. 

"Buttercup? Are you all right, honey?" I heard Ms. Keane's concerned voice but my vision was getting a little blurry.

"Oh she's fine, Ms. Keane." Blossom's voice sounded slowly. Suddenly my the world grew fuzzy and black and I fell back, passing out hearing the echo of Bubbles's voice:

"I don't think she was faking..."

I don't know how long I was out. I opened my eyes slowly and rubbed them with my hands. I was staring up at the cracked ceiling of my bedroom. I blinked a few times and sat up slowly. I was in the center of the bed and looked around. To my surprise, the Professor was sitting right next to the bed. 

He was looking down, his face in his hands. I frowned and I rubbed my head, the pounding was weaker now. But I still felt cold…and hot. I coughed to get his attention. He rose his eyes from his palms and looked at me. The Professor looked so upset and distraught. I gave a smile.

"H-Hello Professor." I stammered. _What an idiot I am_. I thought looking down. _"Why don't I train for awhile. On 20" Yeah, great idea, Buttercup. _The Professor gave a forced smile.

"How are you feeling, Sweetheart?" He questioned earnestly. I stared down at the bed grabbing and releasing the sheets to occupy my hands I guess. 

"Better..." I looked back at him. The Professor suddenly scooped me up in his arms and held me close. I was surprised...again but felt so warm...and comfortable. I buried my face in his coat.

"Oh Buttercup," He said. He sounded like he was gonna cry. I hugged him closer. "When Ms. Keane called I was so worried. And then when she told me you had...had fainted...oh thank GOD you're all right." He hugged me closer and I thought I heard him begin to cry. "You girls are everything to me. I get so...frightened when the three of you go out at nights. I'm always afraid one of you might not.... come back." The Professor stroked my hair lovingly. 

"I...we...we'll be okay Professor." I commented softly. "We know how to take care of ourselves and…and we all have super powers. Heck," I smiled, "we can kick butt any day of the week." I looked up at him. The Professor smiled but then looked down at me sympathetically. 

"But you're still a little girl." He practically whispered. "Sometimes, I forget that. The three of you, trying to be so strong, trying to take the world on your shoulders." 

"But we don't have shoulders, Professor." I commented in a Bubbles-like fashion. The Professor grinned and laughed. I hugged him again. The Professor rubbed my back gently. I frowned suddenly. I almost…no, I did…I felt like I didn't deserve it. Like I didn't deserve the hug. I pulled away slowly. "I should get some sleep, Professor. I still don't feel too good." I lied back down in the center. The Professor tucked the covers around me gently and kissed my forehead softly. "Get some rest my tough little angel." He kissed my forehead gently. I gave a weak smirk back. "Yep…that's me all over." I turned away from him as he got up to leave…so he wouldn't see me cry. 

That's about where you came in, diary. After I fell asleep I picked you up and began writing. Well technically I wrote, stopped, put you back, fell asleep, took you out again, and then wrote this part. I'm so sorry that I couldn't write sooner, but you can understand. 

I really wish that Professor hadn't said that _ thing_ he said last night. Even when he was holding me, I could still hear those words, more in my heart than in my head. Almost funny isn't it? The "toughest fighter" is keeping a wimpy diary. You'd expect this kind of insight from Blossom…not from me. But just between you and me, I feel sometimes that you're my only friend out there. Sure I've got Bubbles and Blossom, kind of the favored ones, but I never feel like I belong. In that sea of sweetness, I feel like only a small sinking ship. 

But I can't help but wonder if I'll return to that river. You know I've been there so many times before. Seems as though nothing can kill a Puff. We're invincible to acid, ray guns, missiles, explosions, (most) sicknesses, being thrown into walls, and even big rocks that fall on us. Yet, I think that we will be our own destroyers in the end. Or, at least, I will. The more I think about it, the more right I seem. I feel…worthless. I know you've heard me write this time and time again, but just listen: 

Like the time I dropped that "Equal Rights" chick and she almost got away…well she did but I dropped her first. I don't remember her name. But then there's the time I…I fell for Ace. Talk about a mistake. I put my sisters in danger and even myself. For some crazy reason, I think I thought he felt something for me too. That's kinda funny too isn't it? Or the time I made fun of Elmer SGlue and he destroyed the school and Townsville. That was all my fault again. Or the time I became obsessed with money and knocking out people's teeth for cash. I was evil. But I think the thing that hurt the most (besides being beat up by nearly ever villain and of course having lots of my own teeth destroyed) was the sight of my sisters sacrificing me to the bad guys. And watching me in all that pain…and just smiling. That hurt the most. 

The list goes on and on about my failures. Hey, you get used to being a disappointment after a while. Not that anyone will ever know. So to answer my own question, I think I might just go back to that river again. Maybe I'll stay for a long time. Then…then maybe we can all rest in peace. Thanks for listening, diary. 

Love,

Buttercup"

Buttercup sighed sadly shutting the tiny green book between her mitts. She was sitting up in the center of the bed finishing off another rather depressing chapter in the so-called novel of her life. She brushed her mitt over the cover softly, knowing all her deepest secrets were hidden within those pages. Every thought, every detail, every emotion scripted out in perfect black ink. One day, she was sure her family would find it and then they'd know everything. But, she figured by that time, she'd be long gone. And besides, the Professor could make quite a bit selling this kind of mental anguish to Entertainment television. The folks at home would love to know what drove her to the drastic measures she planned to take. Then the Professor and her siblings would be on easy street, and probably have enough to pay for a nice funeral service. 

She shook herself from her thoughts and floated over slowly in some pain to the bookcase and reached up for her hard-back copy of the book "Blood and Guts XII". The book of course was a plant. Buttercup had cut out a space in the pages to hide her diary in. She knew Blossom would never touch it, the book sounded too silly and dull-witted. Bubbles would think even the title and cover would be too gross and scary. The perfect hiding spot for a lost little puff's depressing journal. 

As she quickly grabbed the gruesome storybook, the rest of the books on the shelf tumbled off smacking the five-year old in her all ready aching head. "OW!" Buttercup dropped her diary, clutching her throbbing head in pain. "Lousy good for nothing…" She mumbled obscenities. As she reached down to pick up the rest of the books, a rather large blow came to the back of her head. **"OW!"** Buttercup cried even louder dropping the rest of the items she was carrying. She stared at the offending book enraged. "Of course…" Buttercup muttered floating to the large object, "it would have to be Blossom's, 'War and Peace' book." She grumbled more inaudible cusses. 

As her fingerless mitts grasped the stretched spine of the huge book, a smaller book fell out of it. 

"What the…" Buttercup trailed off staring down at the smaller book which lay on the floor. She was surprised to find the book was a lot like her own, diary. Except prettier. Buttercup frowned at it _like everything else belonging to her_ she thought, and scorned herself for thinking it. The book was a light pink with shiny gold hinges and a gold latch. There was fancy cursive on the front inscribing "Blossom". Buttercup picked it up and stared at it. _Now, I know it wouldn't be right of me to look at this. After all, it is Blossom's private and personal thoughts and emotions. How would I feel if Blossom suddenly stumbled upon my diary and read all of my deepest, darkest secrets? _ Buttercup winced at the thought. But the golden latch tempted her. And the many, many pages probably filled with secrets and hidden thoughts and embarrassing stories and…_ no, no, NO! _ Buttercup shook her head, warning herself. She closed her eyes tight, but she couldn't help but sneak a peak back at the beautiful notebook. _Well…if it was an accident…like it **accidentily dropped** open I couldn't be blamed for **accidentily** taking a peek at it…_. 

As the five-year-old morals barley gripped on, she dropped the book to the carpeted floor uttering a poorly acted "oops". To the child's dismay the book remained closed. She began to get annoyed, picked it up again, and proceeded to drop it on the floor again with a much more annoyed and expectant "oops". Once again, the book remained closed. 

"Aw never mind!" Buttercup opened the book with a great force to the middle of the book hoping to satiate her appetite for secrets. 

"Dear Diary," Buttercup read to herself, "I've done it again. I've lead them astray."

"Oooo…gettin' good." Buttercup interrupted her own reading for the first and last time. She read on: 

_"I'm supposed to set a good example, I'm supposed to be…be…the perfect little girl. But I made a huge mistake. Why does this keep happening to me? Why does it seem that no matter what I do, I still end up a failure? Taking those golf clubs was stupid."_

"I remember this." Buttercup mumbled defying the last line where she was supposedly stopping her interruptions. Now she would no longer interrupt as the story trailed on. 

_"Because of the girls' and my impecunious state, we couldn't afford the exorbitant price of the clubs…"_

"Geez, she sounds just like a vocab book…" Buttercup defied the narrator further. Even if she were to say any snide comments on the side, the narrator would no longer acknowledge it. 

"So I…I pilfered them. I just wanted to be loved. I'm such a failure! I don't deserve to be the leader. Was there something in that flask of Chemical X that would forever predict my life as a failure? I don't mean to do this. I just can't stop myself from being a complete flop. I just want to stop it from hurting. Why can't I just go to sleep…and never wake up." The diary read. Buttercup frowned at the entry considering (ironically) its melodramatic actions over the simple incident. She flipped through the pages to find a jagged and torn page. She paused and read the words blurred by a watery stain. 

"I HATE ME!" The captivating words grabbed Buttercup's attention. "Why can't I do anything right? Why is it always one bad decision after another? WHY WAS I CREATED ONLY TO FEEL THIS PAIN??!" Buttercup bit her lower lip but read on. "I did it again today. I saw my face in the mirror and I loathed the girl staring back at me. I almost broke the mirror again." Buttercup recalled an incident when she had walked in to the bathroom to find the mirror shattered. Although, Blossom stated that it had probably broken by seeing Buttercup's face. She frowned and read on, "I couldn't stand her. That girl in the mirror. I picked up the knife I have in the bathroom and I considered doing it this time." There was a spot on the paper like a dried tear. "But I was a coward again. I brought it down to my wrist but only made it bleed a little before I stopped. One of these days I'm going to end my suffering…and everybody else's."

Buttercup felt her stomach go queasy again and her head go light. _How could Blossom feel this way? _ She questioned holding her head with one slightly bruised hand. _How could she be in so much pain? And nobody even knows? I never knew she felt this way! I…I can't believe she almost…almost…_ Buttercup stared at the diary, tears forming in her eyes. "Oh Blossom…" She whispered.

She continued the search through the young girl's diary. The thoughts, feelings, and stories were told with such emotion and power that Buttercup felt overwhelmed by the impact the simple black letters had on her. The poems went almost in a worsening scale. The first poems were sweet and almost carefree. But the latter were disturbing images of death and blood that made Buttercup's stomach churn. Then it seemed as it went even further, the entries became her excepting what she was and waiting for some unknown date. But the thing that shocked the child so much was how long these thoughts had been occurring. While Buttercup had only purchased her depressing diary a few months ago, Blossom had had hers for over a year! These thoughts had obviously occurred to Blossom earlier than Buttercup's had. 

Finally, Buttercup reached the last page of the diary, unsure if she could take the self-abusive language anymore. She had been near retching more than once. She was shocked at the masochistic nature of her sister. But, this was the last entry. Buttercup sighed; the tears had long since fallen from her eyes. She might as well. She regretfully turned her jade eyes to the last torn page within the symbolically beautiful book. 

"Dear Diary," Buttercup read sadly, "I'm scared. My sister is hurt and I feel I helped in her pain." Buttercup glanced at the date. It was that very day's entry. _But when could she…of course!_ Buttercup realized that that small period of time between when she had stopped writing in her diary to take a short nap, must've been the time when Blossom wrote the entry. She read on. "Not only is she hurt physically, but emotionally."

"Today, was like a normal day. I almost did it again this morning. I didn't even realize there was a reddish stain on my dress from the blood till after I had re-awakened Buttercup. She was sleeping in and I felt I should make sure she would be on time for school. When I woke her though, I thought something might have been wrong. She mutter something I think was a 'carry me.'" Buttercup's eyes darted but she continued on. "But it could've been my imagination."

"I found the stain and quickly got rid of it. I wonder if Buttercup noticed it. I soon met my family downstairs. I knew something was wrong with Buttercup, I KNEW it. I had heard some noises last night and I noticed that Buttercup had suddenly gone missing. But, I thought she was just in the bathroom or talking to her blanket or something. But when I saw her this morning…well, she looked like hell. She looked awful. At first I thought she was really sick, but I'm an idiot. I remembered the Wednesday where she played sick to get out of an exam. And on that Wednesday, like the fool I am, I fell for her sick act. So, I thought this was just another one of her attempts to get out of school."

"How stupid can I be? How foolish? She was obviously in a lot of pain, but I just thought she was acting. I sentenced her to her anguish. I forced her to fly to school anyway. Why didn't I stop myself? Why do I have to always have to trust my morals over my better judgement?"

"We got to Pokey Oaks directly on time and I greeted Ms. Keane, trying to seem chipper. I always have to try that much harder; I can't let her see the other side of me. The dark side. Bubbles smiled and greeted Ms. Keane also. But I could see she was upset. While both of us floated, Buttercup stood on the ground. I don't know why I didn't see it. Why didn't I see it before? And while Ms. Keane questioned Buttercup's well being, I just answered that she was fine. I was wrong. Again. I'm always wrong when it comes down to it. I have a couple good ideas when it counts, but all in all, I only end up ultimately hurting people."

"As if in slow motion, I watched Buttercup fall. Her glazed-over eyes rolled back as she shut them. She slowly tipped backward, crashing to the ground with a thud. She fainted in front of everybody. I know Buttercup very well, and no matter how tough a test may be she would never sacrifice her pride to get out of it. Bubbles said that she wasn't faking and someone asked if she died. Fortunately we got her down to the nurse right away. What I found out disturbed me."

"Buttercup had lacerations covering her body, hidden with some poor bandaging. Her appendages were thrashed and she had a high temperature. I couldn't understand why she hadn't told anybody. She was shivering but sweating at the same time. Buttercup was very sick, I hadn't any idea. And…and it was my entire fault. I FORCED her to go to school. She could've stayed home and rested but I made her…I made her. She would've been okay if not for me." 

"The Professor soon came and took Buttercup home. He didn't even look at me. His worried eyes were set on Buttercup. The Professor scooped her up in his arms whispering 'My poor baby' and gently held her close to him. I didn't say anything and just let him hold her. The Professor passed right by me, as if I were invisible and left with Buttercup cuddled close to him. I heard her let out a weak cough before she left. I felt like breaking down and crying inside. But Bubbles was doing enough crying for the both of us. I comforted her, although I knew she blamed me on the inside. She had all the right to after all." 

"What I found out later though really frightened me though. Anyway, we had just gotten home from kindergarten, and we rushed upstairs to check on our sister. But, the Professor stopped us. He informed us that she was sleeping. I frowned and I looked up toward him sadly. 'How is she, Professor' I asked him. 'She'll be fine.' The Professor nodded slowly. Well, Bubbles began to cry and he comforted her and took her downstairs to get her Octi. I couldn't stand the guilt. I had to get to you, diary. I floated into the room carefully looking in. Buttercup looked so peaceful. I floated toward her and looked down at her. She had fresh bandages and her forehead didn't feel as warm. I almost cried looking down at her. She's always so strong and independent. She hardly ever cries." Buttercup paused for a minute. She thought of all the times she had cried in the past two days. But she realized that none of those times had Blossom seen her cry. Suddenly, Buttercup heard a knock at the door. She turned around slightly to see Blossom standing by the doorway. 

"Buttercup?" Blossom sounded meek. Buttercup looked from the diary to its author and back again. "Can we talk?" Apparently, Blossom couldn't see the diary from behind Buttercup. She nodded her head a little in shock at seeing Blossom standing there, as if she was still that perfect and innocent little girl. 

"Uh…uh…yeah…" Buttercup trailed off.

"I have a confession to make." Blossom stated from her position near the doorway. "I…I found your diary." Buttercup looked shocked, she turned her head down to the book to see that if she had read further, she would've gotten to the part about Blossom actually discovering her diary. Surprisingly in the exact same manor Buttercup had found Blossom's. She looked back, jaw ajar. 

"Blossom I-" Buttercup started but Blossom cut her off.

"Don't speak." She said quickly. "I read some pretty disturbing things in there, Buttercup. I had no idea you felt that way. But I want you to know that I'm here for you, we all are. And we love you. You should've told someone Buttercup." Blossom stated sadly, floating over to the bed, she sat down on it looking with pity-filled eyes at her sister. "All the anger and the violent nature were all one big disguise to hide your suicidal state." Blossom shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. "Why didn't you tell us Buttercup?" She sniffed. 

"Blossom, you-" Buttercup was unable to finish. 

"We can help you." Blossom nodded stubbornly. "You really need some professional care. I hope you'll understand that I have to tell the Professor about this." The tears rolled down her cheeks. "It's…it's for your own good." She suddenly flew over and hugged Buttercup tightly, beginning to wail. "Oh Buttercup!" Blossom wept. 

The shock was just sinking in. Here Blossom was, a super masochist, telling Buttercup that _she_ needed professional help. Buttercup could almost laugh. But she put her arms around her weeping sister, rubbing her back slowly. 

"It's okay, Blossom. But…I have a confession to make too." Blossom looked up; her pink eyes now a dark red. "I…I found your diary." Blossom looked bewildered. Buttercup nodded slowly and handed the pink book over to Blossom. "I found it while putting back my own. And I'm so sorry, Blossom." Buttercup looked down. 

Blossom was still stunned. All of her personal thoughts and emotions that no one would ever see (while she was alive) were exposed to the world. Suddenly Blossom cracked a smile at her. "We have to talk."

"Dear diary, My sister and I talked for a long time. We laughed and we cried and we held each other. I told her things I thought I'd never say, and feelings no one was EVER supposed to know. I told her all the attempted suicides, all the feelings of failure and worthlessness, all the…well…EVERYTHING. I even told her, my dear diary, about the lonely nights I stayed awake, crying to the moon wondering why life continued on…and if it would without me in it. It's amazing how much the two of us had in common. She, too, felt worthless and helpless. I never knew she felt that way! I just remember the big smile on her face when it was all over and the way I saw the tears form in her eyes. I'd never seen her so relieved, I never felt so relieved. But…this is just between the three of us, diary. I just know that there won't be anymore trips to the river or anymore knives hidden in the bathroom or anymore feelings of self-pity. Now that I know she needs me too much for me to leave her. With the two of us talking things out and being there for one another, we'll be fine, although we still have a lot of things to work through."

"But I still can't help but wonder if _they'll_ ever know. If, after we die (which hopefully will be a long ways away J), the Professor and Bubbles and all of Townsville will know their hero's pain. Will they ever know how close we came to killing ourselves so many times before? Or how many times we just wanted to fall down and scream and cry in the middle of a battle? Almost ironic isn't it, diary? The masks we wore to help ourselves deal with everyday life were only hurting us more. Heh. Maybe one day the world will know. But for now, as long as my sister needs me, I'll be around. I love her…and you diary. Goodnight."

Bubbles looked up from the diary she held in her mitts. 

"I never knew she felt this way!"

DISCLAIMER: Powerpuff Girls created by Craig McCracken and all characters associated with the show are owned by Cartoon Network 


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